Seeker

I make art in order to understand.  All must be included, the good and the bad in order to learn from my failures.

My loneliness feels like fear of myself.  No one will witness what it is that I am doing or seeing.  Does it exist if no one witnesses it?  If I am joyful but no one shares in that joy, was it even there?  My joy is doubled with others?  My pain is doubled with others?  I am always alone.  I am alone with the universe.  No connection has ever happened outside of my connection to myself.  Do I seem lonely?  Perhaps to be lonely is the worst thing in the world.  But to be ALONE ———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

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I love to be alone, to hold my infinity.  Can one hold another being in that space?  Another being in my aloneness, to witness it together.  The frustration, pain, turmoil, that is normally hidden.  The wilderness.

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I don’t know who KNOWS.

To KNOW is to switch off.

Stop.

Stop.

I know.

Wait.

I know.

No need because I KNOW.

Know doesn’t even know how to spell.  No.  I know. No know.

NOW.

There is knowledge.  The place of no—————-is not now.

KKK  KKK   KKK …….. Mother fuckers.

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Where did I change?  Upon falling in love and lust for the 1st time.  Late.  At the end of intense frustration.  Nothing was how I wanted it to be.  Nothing was the promise I had wanted.  All was JUDGEMENT.  All was judged.  The weight fell down on me, like an axe.  Where was I?  Nothing worked.  I could not pour enough alcohol, smoke enough cigarettes, have enough sex.  Fuck me.  Fuck.  So many RULES…..and then crash.  Alone.  Not an unveiling but a slow painful clumsy dismantling.  It is still there.

fullsizeoutput_2310.jpeg To share that someone.  Myself.

Can I share it with myself?

Myself and the universe.  They are one and the same.

Can I share it with myself?  The deep sorrow and the deep joy?

I feel lonelier in disconnection with someone else than in connection with myself.

To share.  To share.  It makes me sad.

I’d love to find a way to share with someone else in a meaningful way.  I am learning.  I am a beginner.  I am so small sometimes it feels so idiotic but it is where I am.  We are all fools.  How can we possibly not be?  It is too big to be any other way.

It. It. It. It.

AND SOMEHOW

IT HOLDS US

in this wilderness.

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Change.  I hope I always change at some point in my life.  I wish for continual growth.  For the ability to change my mind about something vital to my existence at the age of 94.

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And what if my role, if I have a role, is to be my joyful self.  I have an incredible capacity for joy.  The inner child is so alive.  So beautiful.  So ready to be told she can play.  There are others who cannot play.  I cannot control.  I can only come from where I am right now.  Where I exist.  it is my “ROLE” my character in this lifetime – huh – many lifetimes later I might be a sage, or a queen, or a divine mother.

For now……..I am…….

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