I am in the passenger seat of the Ford Ka, waiting for him to join me so we can go.
My legs feel the soft breeze as I scroll through our playlist.
The Golden Age – Beck
The first leg of our journey: 3 hrs through the mountains to stay with his parents.
He appears in overalls.
The car is packed. Camping gear, cooking, clothes.
Igo, the beautiful mutt, comes up to my side and rests his head on my lap. He knows we’re going for a long time. He’s used to his master leaving.
“I’m not a good father.” he said.
A self perpetuating statement.
One of many I refuse to hear.
We jump in, start the engine and off. I change track.
Don’t Break My Heart – UB40
Blood red mountains soon line our tiny little car – will we make it across a continent? I know I’m not in safe hands. That I will have to fend for myself even though we are two. Rage may be the 3rd passenger but right now my denial stands firm.
I can manage it. If I do everything right it’ll work out. I can justify flying across the world. I can justify all these tears. I can justify leaving it all behind.
It’s so disappointing when you know you’re living in a dream – you can’t un-know. All is untrustworthy.
But for now, there’s the mountains, and his beautiful, nonchalant, strong arms resting on the wheel.